Rational
by wbelisabeth
Summary: Callie/Arizona Another post 6x20 fic. Rational or Irrational Callie chooses Arizona


Title: Rational  
Author: wbelisabeth  
Disclaimer: All copyrighted materials referenced in this fic are not mine. This is purely for entertainment purposes only, I make no money off this or any other fics. Any real people, events, places etc are mentioned in a fictional context only.  
Summary: Rationally or Irrationally Calliope really likes the idea of Spain.  
Words: About 2000.  
Rating: PG-13 (Probably PG or lower, but PG to be safe)

Type:** One-Shot. Complete**

Rational **  
**  
It's raining. No surprise there. It always rains here. My optimism had disappeared and I really couldn't care less about what people say about Seattle weather anymore. I guess I'm usually more focused on Calliope and I have been able to ignore the horrid weather... but now? Right now I am trying not to focus on the beautiful woman next to me. I'm trying not to think about the pain in her voice when she said 'I don't need that'. I'm trying to forget that I caused her that pain in her voice. I'm trying to forget what I have resolved to do.

I love kids. I do. I love messing around with them. I love bringing smiles to their faces. What do I love more than that? Handing them back to their parents whole and healed. I love coming home to calmness. I love that I can curl up beside the most beautiful woman in the world. Either way I'll lose that.

Is it enough to have me by her side?

Stop. Focus on the rain. Focus on something else. I can't help myself. I sigh loudly. I feel an arm around me bringing me closer. Her warm naked body flush against my own. Her legs tangle in mine and I feel there isn't a part of us that isn't touching.

"Sleep." She breathes in my hair at the crook of my neck and I feel her smile as her nose nuzzles into my neck and she gets comfortable.

"I can't."

"It's 3am." I notice that her voice isn't cloaked by the haze of sleep. She's been awake just as long as I have.

"I know, I just…" I close my eyes willing away all thoughts. She starts to stroke my stomach in comfort before whispering.

"I was serious."

"I know you were, but I can't let you."

"Arizona, look at me."

I turn around so I am facing her. Her arm manages to find my butt. Surprise surprise. I almost am distracted from the pain of this moment. I don't look her in the eye. I can't. I feel her finger lift my chin, forcing me to meet her eyes.

"Take away the fact that you're the love of my life. Ok? Take it out of the equation and pretend for a second that I could live without you, that we aren't made for each other. That we don't fit perfectly. Take it all away."

I look at her completely puzzled. What the heck she is actually talking about?

"Pretend that we are just like a normal couple. Like just two people that are together and not you and me, we are not perfect for each other. That we have fights and we disagree on everything. Pretend that. Ok?"

Still not making sense. I'll go with it. She's known for rambling. I have witnessed many a ramble. I nod to get her continue.

"Ok. So it's going to take a long time to get over you. I'm going to give it 6 months. I know that usually a little long to get over someone but… you're you so…. 6 months. Ok?"

I am _super_ concerned now. Maybe… I get the feeling I'll regret this ramble. I try and keep the worry out of my face and nod again. She must notice because she brings her hand up to cup my face and smiles a little.

"Ok, so in 6 months I will be 35. So… I don't mean to offend you with this next comment, but I may so… I'm sorry in advance." I look into her eyes – again puzzled. I wonder for a brief second if I am already ready regretting this ramble, before takes a deep breath and starts again. "I don't really know where I stand. I don't know where I really stand in terms of… gayness. I mean I love you and I am attracted to you and you make me think I am very lesbian." Huh. Super… I cringe at the thought. Yep. Definitely regretting this conversation. "But I still haven't really had a chance to be out and looking… so if we break up… If I decide that the whole kid thing is what is really important to me? Which it's not, but pretend that it is ok?" Again she searches my eyes to see if I'm letting her go on. At this point I am about three seconds from blocking my ears and singing 'la,la,la' until she shuts up. I've seen it done so many times, I would really ace it.

"It'll take me at least a year to sort myself out. A good year to decide and to get settled into the whole dating women thing… To sort out what I like out there and what I don't… to sort out the rules of dating… to sort out being lesbian or bi-sexual… whatever I happen to be. A year to sort out my self. So I'd be what? 36? Then there's the whole dating thing. Once I get into the groove with the dating women part, then I can move on to the relationship thing. It'll probably take me a couple of years… maybe two or three before I sift through the frogs." And she says I'm the kid? She's making references to fairytales. I roll my eyes, a little less tense about where this is heading "Of course, I'll be comparing everyone to you, so that's why it'll take so long." She chuckles a little and I am a little pleased. Admittedly I don't want to be talking about this or listening to this, but if she's going to go ahead and say something like that… well it helps hear what she's saying. "Say by miracle I find someone half as perfect as you? That I finally find someone who is even remotely as wonderful and fantastic as you. Then we'll have a relationship… I'll be what? 39 by then? So from there we'll wait a few years before having children… to have time to ourselves. I'll be 42. 42 Arizona. I've always wanted the whole experience of pregnancy, that's always been part of it. By 42 who knows how fertile I'll be? Every year after 25 fertility drops, each year there there is less and less likelihood of conceiving naturally. Even with Addison and Naomi's help, I may not conceive for years. By then? By then I'm going to want to be on a beach in Barcalona, sipping on Sangria, not running round having babies that cry all night long. I have known heaps of people that do it, but it isn't my dream."

I finally realise what she's trying to do. I finally see her point. She is rationalizing her decision for choosing me. And I don't like it.

"Cal, you could find someone. You are so…you. It won't take that long you-" I feel the tears fall from my eyes. She smiles at me and wipes them away.

"Take away the fact that I will never let you go. Take away the fact that we are amazing together. Take away that the only future I want is a future that has you in it. Take away the feelings that are keeping us together, right now, in this bed, in this world. This like a doctor. Think rationally."

"What about on your own? You could have a baby on your own."

"As much as I would like to have a baby, it's as much about the family as anything. I couldn't do it on my own. As crazy as babies make me… no."

I hate myself for thinking this and I hate myself for saying it. And I hate myself if it hurts her, but I have to say it. I have to suggest it.

"What about Mark?"

She looks at me, not understanding what I have just said. I watch her as realization dawns. She soon laughs at me and I breath a sigh of relief that I haven't hurt her more than I already have in the past 24 hours.

"I love Mark."

Huh. I feel my body tense up. She feels it too because her hand makes it's way down to my hip and rubs along my body, reassuring me.

"I do, I love him. He's my best friend and behind the man-whore exterior he's a good guy." My breath catches and I feel my lungs wanting air. I just can't give it to them right now. "Our friendship could not survive that. Our friendship consists of each of us kicking the other's ass about how stupid we are being. It doesn't have enough foundation to even go there. We are in no way compatible for that sort of thing. When I offered to help Mark with his grandson, it was just that. Help." Relief floods my body and my lungs get the much needed air they were after. "So no, not an option. Even if you take away that you are my future, it's still going to be a Hell No. Let's just face it Arizona. You're just stuck with me." She smiles at me and I suddenly feel very responsible.

"You will resent me."

"I can't guarantee what my feelings are going to be in 10 years. I really can't. Neither can you. I do know that you are the reason I get out of bed in the morning. You are the reason I push so hard in my research. You are the reason I smile. You are the reason I am whole and healed. I've made my decision. Arizona?"

She'd be a great mother, the best. I remember when Aria came to town with her eldest daughter a couple of months back it was clear that Calliope's niece worshipped her and the feeling was mutual. Calliope's eyes lit up. She was so natural with her, when she saw the pictures of the younger niece and nephew there was a lot of ooo-ing and ah-ing. She was going to give it all up?

She was going to hate me.

She was going to resent me.

She was going to leave me.

It's these thoughts that make me burst into tears.

She again pulls me closer and rubs my back.

"Shhh, baby it's ok. Shhh. Just think about Spain… and Paris. I've always wanted to climb the Eiffel Tower. And think we can go on Safari in Africa somewhere and Australia… how great will that be?"

She sounds so enthusiastic.

"We can spend our Christmases in a house with a fire blazing and drinking the best wine all night long. Do things at the drop of a hat. We won't have to plan anything. We won't have to pack a million bags for the kids. We won't have yell at anyone about fighting or running in the house. We'll be able to lay like this for hours. Please let me."

"But you can rationalize it until you are blue in the face but we aren't always rational." Again she smiles at me. It seems to be the biggest and brightest smile she has had all night. It is a knowing smile.

"Ok fine. Take out the rationality of what I was saying before. Take away all arguments. Take away the discussion about how I won't be able have kids the way I want. Take away the fertility treatment, take away the 3 years for me to find someone half as good as you, take away the sorting myself out, take away me getting over you, take that stuff all out and you are left with the non-rational side of things. The only things left? That you are the love of my life. That you and I are a perfect fit. That I can't live without you. That we are made for each other. That's what's left. So rational or not, I've made my decision." She pulls me tighter and kisses my lips, softly before pulling back. "I love you Arizona and this is us. Forever."

"We could have kids. We could."

Her smile lessens. She sees through the uncertainty in my voice. She's always seen through me.

"It's ok Arizona. We will just be us and we will be perfect. Now sleep."

I close my eyes and feel her hold me tighter. She wants me. She loves me. In this moment we are enough for each other.


End file.
